my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
