I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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