Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
