you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
