First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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