Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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