he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
