Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
