he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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