i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
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