i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
