You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
God, I missed his penis.
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