I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize
