Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
