Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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