I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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