she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
