remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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