Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
