My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I wish there were birth control emojis
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
