He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
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