So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Randomize
