how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
