so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
