omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
