3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
