9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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