Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
