What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
