When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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