life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
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