I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
