Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
