there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Randomize
