quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
