True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Randomize
