Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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