I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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