Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
