if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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