I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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