So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
