1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
