I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
