Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I touched a dick in church today
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