Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
