Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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