Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Randomize
