I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
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