just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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