When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
